Girls' guide to dating

Common situations and the three appropriate responses for each:

Situation A:
A guy asks you out on a date.

1. If you like him, then say “Yes.” If you like him but happen to be busy at the requested time, help him reschedule immediately
2. If you dislike him or if he just isn't your type, say “No” or something with a synonymous meaning.
3. If you despise him and are looking for opportunities to make him suffer immensely, act really nice but tell him that you are busy. Continue putting him off until he quits asking.

Situation B:
Your phone shows that you are getting a call from a guy who recently took you out on a date.

1. If you want to go out again, answer the phone and when he asks, concur with his request.
2. If you don't want to go out again, answer the phone, and when he asks, say “No” or something with a synonymous meaning.
3. If you believe that he is a plague on mankind and you would like to crush his willingness to ask girls out so that he will never have children, don't answer the phone or return his call. Continue to repeat this until he quits calling, so that you can drag the suffering out as long as possible.

Situation C:
The date is ending, and the guy is walking you to your doorstep

1. If you would like to go on another date, say “I would like to go out again,” or something similar.
2. If you would not like another date, thank him politely, then enter your dwelling (reference Situation A if he asks you out again).
3. If you have joined a cult of Satan-worshipers whose goal is the emotional destruction of mankind, and you wish to be a devoted follower, then thank him profusely for the date. Tell him how much fun it was and give him an affectionate hug. For bonus points, invite him in and introduce him to your family. After that, when he calls for another date, act like you really want to go but continue putting him off until he gives up. If you're convincing enough, you can sometimes draw out the torture for a couple weeks.